TORTABACTERIUM OF THE GASTRIC CAVITY is sweeping the nation. This harmful bacteria is spread through the ingestion of Torta sandwich buns that have passed expiration or have been exposed to unclean cooking conditions, common in some smaller midwestern urban Mexican restaurants.
SYMPTOMS: Tortabacterium of the gastric cavity traditionally causes nausea, vomiting, the inability to get out of bed for up to 12 hours after ingestion. Tortabacterium also can cause irreversible growth of the penis by up to 7 additional inches.
TREATMENT: The only known treatment is time and nurturing. You will have to spend a minimum of 12 hours in bed following ingestion, and 10 hours each night thereafter...for life. After this initial 12 hour period, the patient must be nurtured by friends and relatives due to lethargy and depression that can set in for weeks afterward. Friends and relatives should prepare all meals and listen to any request from the patient during this 1 week to 6 month period.
